NRL supremo Todd Greenberg sat down with me to discuss the furor that has erupted from Gold Coast Titans' half Aidan Sezer being placed on report for dropping the "C-bomb" during a game of Rugby League this weekend.
Bench Warmer: Todd Greenberg, thank you for your time.
Todd Greenberg: My pleasure.
BW: Let's get down to brass tacks: Aidan Sezer has been placed on report for calling Tigers pivot Mitch Moses a tough c*nt. All of this came about after Moses gave giant Titans second rower, Ryan James, a bit of a shove. Sezer shaped up to Moses and asked him, quite rightly I thought, "You think you're a tough c*nt bro?" Then Ashley Klein blew his whistle like he was playing in an orchestra. Are the refs getting a bit carried away these days by now penalizing colourful language?
Greenberg: Not at all. In fact cracking down on potty mouth during games is just the first step in a massive overhaul of the game that, quite frankly, all of us down at NRL headquarters are getting pretty excited about.
BW: Wait, potty mouth? Excuse me?
Greenberg: Yes. We are enacting several new policies to push the game in a very new and exciting direction.
BW: ...what is this new direction?
Greenberg: I'm glad you asked. See it all came about when I was picking my children up from daycare. They had these amazing rules written all over the walls for all to see.
Greenberg: Yes. First and foremost naughty language is prohibited in the class rooms. Any potty language of any description will be met with negative consequences. Words like sh*t, f*ck, p*ss, a*se, c*nt, b*tch, b*stard, p*o and b*m will no longer be tolerated in a game of NRL.
Greenberg: We will also be experimenting with an on-field "Time-Out" instead of the "Sin Bin" for naughty players.
BW: Naughty players...?
Greenberg: Yes, a player who pushes the boundaries of foul language or breaches any of our other soon to be implemented rules.
BW: What other rules are you hoping to introduce?
Greenberg: A complete overhaul really. Players have to keep their hands to themselves. Even though, as you know, footy is played outside, it doesn't mean we can't use our inside voices when speaking to each other. Anyone caught raising their voice will be put in "Time Out" for two minutes and must then apologise to the opposition team, the referee and their own team.
Greenberg: The concept of Captain's will be soon be eradicated so as to not elevate any one person above the rest of the team. Players will not be able to participate in a game if they did not eat their veges the night before.
BW: I'm speechless.
Greenberg: We have even been tossing around the idea of doing away with keeping score altogether. We just want everyone - fans included - to have fun and abolish the concept of "winners and losers".
BW: Aren't you afraid of a backlash from the fans? No swearing? No Captains? No score? You may as well dress the players in tu-tu's and call them Annabelle!
Greenberg: (frustrated) How did you know we were going to introduce tu-tu's to the 2016 season uniforms?! Who have you been speaking to?!
BW: Mr. Greenberg, you sound like you are five beers short of a six-pack. I hope somebody stops you soon. I fear you are a science experiment away from becoming a super villain.
Greenberg: Thank you.