As we all saw on Saturday night after the Raiders went down 12-24 to the Brisbane Broncos, Ricky Stuart held the NRL's first ever 23 second press conference before storming out.
NRL boss Todd Greenberg later gave Stuart an ultimatum: re-sit the press conference or face a $50,000 personal fine and a $150,000 club fine.
Stuart chose to re-sit the press conference instead of suffer the fines.
Stuart: G'day everyone, sorry about earlier.
Triple M: What was that about anyway Ricky? I mean you said it would be better for everyone if you just left. What did you mean by that?
Stuart: To put it bluntly I had a dodgy hot-dog. Things were about to get pretty nasty in here if I didn't hoof it when I did. I'm talking REALLY bad. If I stuck around I might have been labelled a war criminal for launching a chemical attack, banned under the Geneva Convention. So you can all thank me later.
Triple M: Then why did you ban your entire squad from talking to the press too?
Stuart: Er...so they wouldn't be accomplices to my war crimes?
Triple M: Couldn't come up with a better excuse?
Stuart: Not without getting fined. Next question!
Fairfax: Third straight loss for the Raiders Ricky. Your fifth loss at your alleged home fortress here at GIO Stadium. Where did the wheels fall off?
Stuart: (standing up in a huff) That's it! I've had a gutfull!
Stuart storms out of the press conference.
Stuart returns five minutes later.
Stuart: So Toddy Greenberg reckons one question does not a press conference make.
Fairfax: I'll rephrase my question if that would be better Ricky?
Fairfax: You lead the Kangaroos to defeat, you ran the Sharks into the ground, you couldn't muster a win to save yourself as NSW coach, you fired everyone at the Eels and left them with a wooden spoon and a salary cap shamozzle: what do you have in store for the Raiders? Just another wooden spoon or are you going to get creative and manufacture a supplements scandal? Perhaps take a leaf out of the NFL and go down the ball tampering route? Or go completely left field and concoct a cross-dressing scandal. That would be something new.
Stuart gives the Fairfax reporter the finger before storming out again muttering expletives to himself.
Stuart ambles back in to the press conference two minutes later, lead by Todd Greenberg. Greenberg seats Stuart before leaving the stage.
ABC Sport: In the statement you read before you left...the first time...you stated that Todd Greenberg was at the game tonight, and that you really hope he saw what you saw.
Stuart: That's right.
ABC Sport: Well we asked him what he saw, and I quote, "I saw a terrific game of football that was perfectly adjudicated by the officials. Not only that, but how was that Broncos try? Best of the season by far! Ben Hunt is a wizard!" How does that make you feel?
Stuart: (grinding his teeth, under his breath) That son of a bitch.
ABC Sport: Sorry what was that Ricky?
Stuart: Er...nothing. I didn�t say anything at all. Nothing worth a fine anyway. Moving on.
News Ltd: That try from the Broncos Ricky: it was amazing. No team could have defended against pure talent and skill like that. Talk us through what you were thinking as the play unfolded.
Stuart: (visibly shaking with rage) It was...it...
Stuart slams his fists on the table.
Stuart: To hell with it, you mob can fine me like there�s no tomorrow, I don�t give a rat�s arse! I was thinking that the ref�s and the touch judges needed to pull their heads out of their arses long enough to see the travesty unfolding in front of them. In fact, the officials were so useless they should have been credited with a bloody try assist!
Fox Sport: Ricky! Ricky!
Stuart: Shut your pie-hole, you! You�re all gonna listen to me now! Milford was involved in that try too and he should still be here, in Canberra! Not with those thieving mongrels in Brisbane. So really that try should have been awarded to us! And I trained Milford last year so that try is really thanks to me. I helped score the (Stuart adds air quotes at this point) �Try of the Year� (end air quotes).
Fox Sport: That�s a thin bow to draw I think Ricky.
Stuart: Blow it out your arse! In fact, if it wasn�t for the Video Ref sending signals to all of the satellites that were then able to control the metal in my fillings which made me think about sail boats and chocolate fudge all day I would have been able to come up with a plan to beat the Broncos. It�s all the Video Ref�s fault we lost! The Video Ref and Tony Abbott! They�re all in on it! Don�t think I don�t know. I do!!
Fairfax: Woa. Complete psychotic break down. Well done Ricky, I didn�t see that coming as the steaming heap you would leave this club with.
At this point Ricky Stuart leaps over the desk at the Fairfax media journalist. A brief but brutal melee ensues in which a number of expletives were screamed. Chairs were thrown.
Security and several mysterious men dressed in white and armed with syringes swarmed on Ricky Stuart.
Stuart seems to instantly calm down and is dragged away singing �Jingle Bells� to himself.
The press conference is terminated.