*The following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously by anyone under any circumstances.
After Phil Gould's improv Q&A Twitter tirade aimed at the clearly under performing Brisbane Broncos, Gould felt the need to issue an open letter addressing his comments.
I deeply regret the outlandish comments I made via my Twitter account (@Gus10Gould) on 02/08/2015 regarding the Brisbane Broncos. I am sorry.
I'm sorry those snivelling little rich kids up there in their ivory tower in Brisbane are so useless that they have only managed to win six premierships in 28 seasons in the league! If I had access to their resources I would have taken this country by force in a wildly successful coup by now! You would be calling me King Gus!
Do you know what there is in Penrith?
Do you know what they have in Brisbane?
They have a great big brown river! Their streets are paved with gold and when it rains, it rains diamonds! They even have a massive ferris wheel! Now tell me that doesn't come into a player's consideration when signing with Brisbane. Every player worth their salt would be lining up at that bloody ferris wheel all day when they're not training.
In Penrith we can't compete with a ferris wheel! Do you know what amusements we have in Penrith? A busted see-saw!! Sure Jamie Soward loves the thing and we can never get the little bugger off it, but that's beside the point.
And does it make me paranoid if I think the NRL and Broncos are in cahoots? Does it make me paranoid if I think there are Bronco ninjas trying to assassinate me? Does it make me paranoid if I think the Channel 9 and the NRL have implanted microphones in my buttons? Well if so, call the men in the white jackets and throw me in a rubber room!
I mean, what is going on? Does someone on the Broncos board have photos of Todd Greenberg and Dave Smith burying a hooker together or something? How else can Brisbane get SO many Friday night games? It's a conspiracy! There needs to be a Royal Commission into this flagrant molly-coddling! It's a National outrage.
And before you all jump down my throat and accuse me of being biased (unlike Locky and Wally, pfft!!) I am not! I am just pointing out the ways Brisbane are geographically cheating and using the rules to beat the rest of us to death.
Up yours Brisbane.
Philip Ronald 'Gus' Gould