Rugby Union 3 years ago

5 Ways the Wallabies can Actually Beat the All Blacks

  • 5 Ways the Wallabies can Actually Beat the All Blacks
  • 5 Ways the Wallabies can Actually Beat the All Blacks
Originally created on Wallabies by Aaron Robinson.

Ahead of the Wallabies' clash with the All Blacks this weekend, we have a look at five ways the Aussies can roll their trans-Tasman nemesis'. 

1. Bribery

If we have learnt anything from our brothers over at FIFA it's that bribery works! If bribery can get Qatar the 2022 soccer World Cup, then surely it can win us a game against the All Blacks. 

All we need to do is drop a brown paper bag full of cash on the door step of referee Wayne Barnes, sit back and wait for the All Blacks to be penalised into oblivion. 

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There is a strong possibility however that bribery may back-fire on us. Referee Wayne Barnes is actually a practising barrister in his spare time: he may take offence to the concept of being bribed. No pleasing some people...

2. Fart in the Scrum

It's a well known fact that the Wallabies scrum is about as delicate as a 13 year old girl's self esteem while the All Blacks scrum is rock solid. 

One way to remedy this would be for all our guys to hold each others noses in the scrum and just before he feeds the ball, get Nick Phipps or Nic White to drop their guts. 

Obviously our scrum halves will have to load up on pulled pork, refried black beans and a healthy vindaloo before the game: food that can brew up the kind of fart necessary to strip paint off walls and bring tears to an All Blacks eye. 

3. The Tonya Harding Tactic

Back in 1994 American Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding hired Shane Stand to break the leg of her main competitor, Nancy Kerrigan. 

I reckon all Michael Cheika needs to do is give James O'Connor and Karmichael Hunt a lead pipe each, a hit-list and the "promise" of a Wallabies spot  and set them on their way. Let them know that if they are caught in the act of knee-capping any of the All Blacks that they will be completely disavowed and all knowledge of their activities will be denied. 

The hit-list should consist of Richie McCaw, Brodie Retallick, Julian Savea, Conrad Smith, Sonny Bill Williams and Daniel Carter. 

4. The Art of Distraction

If push comes to shove the Wallabies should just have a herd of sheep wandering up and down the sidelines to see if any of the "sheep shaggers" can be distracted by the sight of some fine lamb and mutton strutting their stuff. 

Let's test the theory of whether or not stereotypes are born from fact....

5. The Skynet Theory

If the Wallabies team from a not so distant future sends a Terminator-like cyborg back through time to help the Wallabies team of the present to defeat the all-conquering All Blacks and stop them from taking over the world.


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