The following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously...or on an empty stomach.
We here at the Stitch Up sat down one-on-one with newly appointed Queensland Reds coach Richard Graham.
Stitch Up: First of all, congratulations on being - is it re-appointed? - as head coach of the Queensland Reds.
Graham: Thanks a lot. I wasn't expecting this at all. It truly came as a massive shock and surprise.
SU: I bet it did. I think all of Queensland was shocked and surprised too. Wasn't the point of the QRU's all encompassing investigation to find a replacement for you?
Graham: To the best of my knowledge, yes.
SU: Who was conducting this investigation then? Inspector Jacqus Clouseau? Maxwell Smart? It seems like a farce and an unmitigated waste of QRU funds.
Graham: Ha ha ha. It sure does, doesn't it? I couldn't believe it when Jim Carmichael called to tell me I had the job. I don't even remember re-submitting my resume to be honest!
SU: What did Jim Carmichael say when he informed you that you still had a job as coach of the Reds?
Graham: He said "it's all yours Dick!" I asked if it came with any provisions and he said "Nope. Just do what you've been doing mate. Things can only improve from here."
SU: Sounds like a flawed logic to me. There were rumblings that if you were still head coach of the Reds in 2016 that Liam Gill would lead a mutiny and cause a revolution down at Ballymore.
Graham: HA! I'd like to see him try! God himself couldn't remove me as coach of the Reds now!
SU: Your coaching career has been abysmal. Results have not been your friend having a 34% success rate when you were coach of the Western Force and an even worse success rate of 28% with the Reds. So what's your secret?
Graham: Well I like to mix up my tactics quite a lot actually.
SU: Mmmm. I see. Bribery? Blackmail? Extortion? Stand over tactics? Ever tried sleeping with the boss's daughter for a little leverage?
Graham: Not bad ideas. Might have to add them to my bag of tricks to ensure I remain Reds coach throughout the 2016 season.
SU: You have overseen one of the biggest exodus' of talent any Super Rugby franchise has fallen victim to since you began as coach. James Horwill, Will Genia, Quade Cooper, Dom Shipperley, Mike Harris, James Hanson, Adam Thomson, Ben Tapuai and Rod Davies have all jumped ship since you took over. How do you explain that?
Graham: A bunch of skirts the lot of them. Good riddance too I say. Don't forget I've attracted some pretty big names. James O'Connor. Karmichael Hunt. Hendrik Tui. Kane Douglas.
SU: Wouldn't really be boasting there if I were you Dick. You seem to be heading into the 2016 season without a flyhalf and scrumhalf and have holes in your backline big enough to drive a freight train through. How do you plan to remedy this?
Graham: By thinking positive.
SU: Excuse me?
Graham: Just think positive and good things will happen. That's how I got the gig coaching again.
SU: What sort of hippie peace pipe have you been smoking? This isn't Never Never Land! You can't just think happy thoughts and the Queensland Reds will miraculously not suck! You need to work on your roster! You need to develop a viable game plan! You need to practice! You need to garner the respect of your playing group!
Graham: Sounds good.
SU: Richard Graham, your re-appointment is a big fat middle finger to the fans of Queensland. God Save the Queen, because no one can save the Reds in 2016.
Graham: Thank you for the kind words.