A month before the first dive has been poorly staged in the A-League 2015-16 season, we here at the Stitch Up thought we would give our professional and completely impartial preview of the excitement machine yet to come.
They say money can't buy you everything, well whoever said that clearly didn't see the result of last season's Grand Final.
The Victory look set to hold onto the Toilet Seat again this season harder than I did last weekend after a night on the piss ended by a dodgy kebab with garlic sauce.
Always the bridesmaid but never the bride, well no time recently anyway.
The loss of the competition's leading goal scorer from last season, Marc Janko, will be a massive kick in the pants for the Sky Blue. They've signed Filip Holosko but he seems to be a poor man's replacement for Janko.
They might need a nappy this season, because they won't get within arms length of the Toilet Seat.
The Reds lost their coach, Josep Gombau, who has been replaced by fellow Spaniard Guillermo Amor this season. He is untested and untried at the coaching level, which clearly made him a prime candidate for Adelaide....
The Reds have their roots firmly lodged in mediocrity it would be unwise to expect anything more from them this season.
For some reason I'm completely flabbergasted whenever I see the Phoenix anywhere but the bottom of the ladder. But they finished fourth last year: who knew?
They're an enigma wrapped in a riddle. They could take the Toilet Seat or the Wooden Spoon, you never know.
The only thing that would surprise me about the Phoenix is if they were ever pinged for salary cap breaches because they don't seem to spend money on anyone!
Ah yes, Melbourne Heart...wait...Melbourne City? Damnit. Go back to being the Heart! Melbourne City, what a joke.
By the sound of things the Roar will be busy trying to hock stuff to pay their players and staff. John Aloisi is a brave man taking on the Roar coaching gig, maybe he demanded cash in hand before he accepted the job.
The Roar will spend more time in court than on the field with a conga-line of people suing the club.
Staff aren't being paid. Sacked coaches haven't been paid. Players superannuation hasn't been paid. Training ground rental fees haven't been paid. Debt collectors are giddy at the amount of work they are getting thanks to the Roar.
The only odds going on the Roar at the moment is an even money bet that the FFA will strip the owners of their A-League licence before the end of the season.
Were at the centre of a national outrage last season which nearly caused violent riots across every major city.
The Glory were last season relegated to a mandatory seventh position on the ladder thanks to their systemic rorting of the salary cap. They are now in the annals of history as cheats on par with Melbourne Storm and the Canterbury Bulldogs.
It's a shame Perth aren't named the Phoenix, otherwise I could make a not so subtle gag about Perth rising from the ashes of this debacle.
Have a point to prove that they can win a game while keeping to the rules. Only time will tell.
Central Coast Mariners:
Used to rule the comp with an iron fist. What happened to you Central Coast? You used to be cool.
The Mariners have lost their mojo and they don't seem in any real danger of rediscovering it. A shame really.
Western Sydney Wanderers:
Won the AFC Champions League last year and must have forgot they had the rest of the A-League season left to play.
Didn't qualify for the Champions League this time around so they should do really well because they won't be made lazy by victory.
The Jets had just three wins from 27 games last season. Pretty weak. As a result the FFA cracked a darkie, re-sold the Newcastle licence and fired almost everyone involved with the last incarnation.
Thankfully the maniacal Nathan Tinkler era is done and dusted. Players can maybe look forward to getting paid this season.
The club still appears to be an absolute shambles.
If Newcastle manages to jag more than three wins this season it will be a job well done.