The following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously by any one for any reason.
Channel 9's NRL call team has been left in tatters after the weird antics of Beau Ryan and Andrew Johns. Head of Nine, David Gyngell, has called a meeting with Paul "Fatty" Vautin and Ray Warren.
David Gyngell: As we all know the Channel Nine NRL team has copped a flogging recently. Between Beau Ryan boning one of the sheila's from High-5 and Andrew Johns passing out in an airport....
Ray Warren: AND asking a woman if she had a caesarean birth!
Gyngell: Yeah, what's that about? Bloody Joey. What a sicko. Needless to say the general public are losing faith in our NRL broadcast team - including the Footy Show.
Gyngell: Exactly Fatty, we're worried too. Things have got so bad with former NRL identities that we had to bring in a bloody cricketer, Michael Slater, to host the Footy Show! I mean, where does it end? Who can we turn to?
Warren: The problem is that most league identities have a stigma around them of disrespecting women, drinking too much, peeing in their own mouth, diddling canines or defecating in a team mates shoe.
Gyngell: So we need to float some ideas, some real likeable, larrakin personalities to reinvigorate the 2016 Footy Show and commentary team. To discuss this further I thought I'd invite the Channel 9 omnipotent guru to sit in and offer his opinions.
Eddie McGuire enters the board room.
Gyngell: Eddie we're in strife here mate. We need your guidance as Channel 9 guru. Guide us oh Eddie.
Warren: Guide us oh Eddie.
Fatty: (hushed whisper) Queenslander...
McGuire: The NRL call team needs a complete overhaul. People hate Gould. The man in the street wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire, moaning "No, no, no". Rabs, you can't have too many years left in you either. Look how red you are in the face mate. You look as though you're going to blow an O-ring any second now.
Warren: You're not far off the mark Eddie.
McGuire: I've compiled a short list of potential replacements for the NRL call team and the Footy Show that I feel won't bring any undue negative publicity on the team, Channel 9 or the NRL.
Gyngell: That's a good point Fatty. Channel 7 seems to have reborn Wayne Carey from a coke-addled, adulterous, woman basher into an upstanding member of their commentary team. Is there any way we could re-brand Joey Johns
McGuire: I don't think so. See, there's a glaring difference between Carey and Johns: Wayne is charismatic and generally likeable. Johns has the personality and charisma of roadkill.
Warren: When you're right, you're right Eddie.
McGuire: I've compiled a list of people I feel wouldn't be in danger of bringing the Channel, the NRL or our commentary team into disrepute unlike the rest of those muppets.
Gyngell: Ok Eddie, let's hear it.
Fatty and Warren nod in agreement.
McGuire: So - and bare in mind this is just a preliminary list - John Hopoate: he could always point us in the right direction with league. Anthony Mundine, I know he may seem a little shy and unassuming but I'm sure we could bring him out of his shell. Joel Monaghan: you know what they say, if dogs like you, you must be alright.
Gyngell and Warren "umm" and "ahh" while Fatty just shakes his head muttering "Queenslander" to himself.
McGuire: Ok, ok, don't shoot me down too quick here, but what about Ivan Milat? I know, there's the whole "serial killer" thing, but being in jail we all know he hasn't had a drink in a while, which bodes well for us. I've even heard he doesn't mind NRL and he's got that great moustache: moustache's are really in at the moment. We could market the moustache as a gimmick like Max Walker's or Merv Hughes'.
Gyngell: That's right Fatty, I think Milat has shaved the moustache.
McGuire: Hmmm. Well, let's put him on the back-burner but keep him in mind none-the-less.
Gyngell: To hell with it. Eddie, you're now commentating each game live with Rabs while Shane Warne and Michael Slater will co-host the Footy Show with you and Erin Molan. This madness is giving me a headache.