The following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously or with other medications.
Canterbury Bulldogs coach Des Hasler allowed us here at the Stitch Up to sit down and have an open and frank discussion with him and his entire squad. The point was to assure Canterbury fans that the team is already hard at work, looking forward to 2016.
Stitch Up: First of all I'd like to thank everyone for their time. I think the NRL community at large was concerned that the Bulldogs would lose their grubby aura with the loss of Michael Ennis but Josh Reynolds seems to have filled that void nicely. Tripping, kicking, high tackles, spear tackles: Josh you've now managed to surpass Ennis as the most hated man in league, how do you plan to maintain this level of grubbery?
Reynolds: Mick's were big shoes to fill, that's for sure. I've been working on a few things for 2016. As you know my general tackling ability is piss poor, so Des and I have been talking about concealed weapons for 2016. To aid my poor tackling technique. Brass knuckles, switch blades even a little Derringer pistol. We've also been discussing maybe decapitating an effigy of the opposition's mascot. Cutting the head off a live horse before a Broncos game, tearing the head off a rabbit before a Rabbitohs game: you know, something to get the crowd involved.
SU: Sounds exciting. So what can we expect from the team as a whole in 2016?
Hasler: Well as you know it has usually been the Melbourne Storm leading the way in slowing down the ruck. They are the ones that brought us the chicken wing, the grapple tackle and the general wrestle in the ruck. Well we've been working on a new tactic ourselves...
SU: Care to share that with us Des? Or are you trying to keep it hush-hush and on the down low before the 2016 season?
Hasler: Water boarding.
Hasler: The Water boarding tackle.
SU: That sounds kind of like...a war crime.
Hasler: Maybe banned under the Geneva Convention, but not under the NRL rule book! There is no rule that states you can't water board an opposing player during the ruck.
SU: There shouldn't have to be a rule. It's just common sense...
Hasler: That's the great thing about Canterbury, we like to make common sense a pretty uncommon factor.
SU: Clearly. Moving on. James Graham, you have been a revelation since making the switch to NRL from Super League in 2012. Now that you're Captain of the Bulldogs can you assure the fans that the ear biting and KY Jelly are gone from your game? (Stitch Up journalist giggles)
Graham: That's right. No more KY Jelly or ear biting in my game. (Stitch Up journalist giggles again.) What's so funny?
SU: Oh? Nothing. I just had a funny thought is all.
Graham: Share it with us all then.
SU: It's just when you used to slather the KY Jelly up the back of your legs. It made me think of a former NRL player called John Hopoate. All the lube up the back of your legs would have made his little fetish worlds easier. HA HA HA HA!
Graham: I don't get it.
SU: HA! Never mind. What can we expect from the Morris brothers this year?
Brett: We've been training hard and working for the good of the team.
SU: Which one are you again?
Brett: I'm Brett Morris.
SU: Oh, you're the good one!
The whole team laughs.
SU: Seriously though, with the introduction of reduced interchanges next year is it time to get big Sam Kasiano and Greg Eastwood off the hamburgers and in the gym?
Mbye: Shh! We don't talk about....
Kasiano : WHO SAID THEY'RE TAKING AWAY MY BURGERS?!
Eastwood: NO GYM!!!
SU: What's happening?
Kasiano and Eastwood fly into a fit of rage, punching their team mates and throwing chairs. Kasiano keeps screaming "I'M HUNGRY!!" while Eastwood keeps screaming "NO GYM!!!"
Hasler: This interview is over! Sam, we're not taking away your burgers ma...(Kasiano decks Hasler)