WARNING: The following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously or four hours before swimming.
The feud between James O'Connor and commentator Greg Martin came out of nowhere but escalated quickly in the space of a fortnight, much to the delight and amusement of the general public.
Things got even weirder today when "Marto" responded to O'Connor's exhausting Facebook manifesto, by warning the young former Reds player that he knows "where the skeletons are buried".
This talk of buried skeletons piqued the interest of the Queensland Police, who hauled both O'Connor and "Marto" in for questioning. The following is a transcript of the interview.
Officer 1: Gentlemen, I would like to point out that neither of you are under arrest at this time. Do you understand?
Martin and O'Connor both verbalise that they agree.
Officer 2: I would also like to point out that this conversation is being recorded. We have got you both here today because it has been brought to our attention that one of, if not both, of you have knowledge of "buried skeletons".
Martin: (pointing an accusing finger at O'Connor) He's a vile, murderous swine! Arrest this foul Justin Bieber-esque toss-pot!
O'Connor: Fellas, I don't know what he's on about.
Martin: Bullshit! You killed Rugby!
Officer 1: Who is Rugby? Where is his skeleton buried?
O'Connor: (sighs) He's accusing me of killing Rugby Union. OK Marto, I'll bite, how do you figure I killed Rugby?
Martin: By strutting around like a demented peacock and sullying every player around you with your immaturity and bad hair cuts. I mean look at poor Matt Toomua and his abomination of a hair cut in the Wallabies win over the Sheep Shaggers in August. As if YOU didn't have anything to do with that!
Officer 2: That Toomua haircut was a shocker. O'Connor if you did have anything to do with that I should arrest you here and now for crimes against fashion.
O'Connor: I wasn't even part of the team! I didn't even play!
Officer 1: True, he can hardly be held accountable for that dogs breakfast.
O'Connor: Is that what this whole spat is about? You think I influenced Toomua into getting a bad hair cut?
Martin: And you were mean to me on Twitter.
O'Connor: Are you serious? Oh Marto. I was simply trying to point out that you - as a talentless little creep whose playing career for the Wallabies essentially amounts to a fart in a cyclone - had no right making nasty little jibes at Quade Cooper for having a bad game. Christ, you only played nine games for the Wallabies and managed to single-handedly lose one of those games for Australia against the Lions.
Officer 1: Ooooh! Sick burn!
Martin: How dare you O'Connor!! I'm glad the Reds released you to go play in France. The Reds are too good for you! They're a proud and resilient club...
O'Connor: Marto, the Reds couldn't organise a piss-up at a brewery. They even fired John Connolly Christ's sake! They can't tell their arse holes from their ear holes!
Martin: You cantankerous little hipster dunce! I challenge you to a duel!!
O'Connor:(laughing) What, pistols at ten paces and turn?
Officer 2: Exactly!! Here, take my gun...
Officer 2 hands his gun to Martin, while Officer 1 hands his gun to O'Connor.
O'Connor: Wait. No, I wasn't serious.
Officer 1: We can have the duel out on Roma street for all to see. We'll just call in a bomb threat and have the road closed. "Training excercise" we'll call it!
Both Officers start mumbling into their radio's, Martin stands, cocks his gun.
Martin: Let's do this.
O'Connor: No! I was only joking! NOOO!!!
Officer 1 hurry's both Martin and O'Connor out the interview room.
Officer 2: Interview terminated!