WARNING: The following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously for any reason whatsoever.
This last year has seen the Manly Sea Eagles make some weird and baffling moves. Their fans have made all sorts of threats after the axing of Geoff Toovey and Keiran Foran going to Parramatta. The retention of Daly Cherry-Evans for the same cost of Cambodia's Gross National Product left fans stunned. Then the board deemed it fit to fire half the club's players and hire virgin NRL coach Trent Barrett.
Many fans have questioned the logic and sanity of the fat-cat's and big-wig's that lurk in the shadows, pulling the strings running the Sea Eagles. CEO Joe Kelly sent this letter to all Sea Eagles members, explaining the club's actions over the past year.
Dear Valued Member,
Hi, Joe Kelly here :D I know there have been a lot of rumblings, questioning the club's sanity in recent times: why would we sack Tooves? Why would we let Foran, Watmough and Glenn Stewart leave? Why would we hire Trent Barrett? Why would we play Mr. Monopoly Man and throw fistfuls of cash at Cherry-Evans?
All of these seemingly brainless moves have all been steps in a cunning plan to become universally loved again and to RULE THE NRL!!
I know, weird right? But stay with me.
As coach, Trent Barrett is essentially a figure head: Daly Cherry-Evans will become Player/Captain/Coach. In all honesty we have given Barrett a box of lego and some Playdough and he's been playing away to his heart's content in the cellar. I don't even think he knows which club hired him in all honesty.
We had to fire the vast majority of our playing roster because they all hated Daly Cherry-Evans. I don't know what that bloke does to people to piss them off so much, but we had an entire team sending him hate mail and making Voodoo dolls of him. So we dropped those suckers and hired a team full of "Chezza's" friends. Nate Myles and Darcy Lussick are Chezza's best mates in the world. We'll pay all the other new players a little extra to like Chezza.
It was a calculated move firing Toovey. We needed him unemployed because we had photo's of NRL CEO Dave Smith disposing of four hooker's corpse' and were blackmailing him to quit. Now that Smith is out of the way we are heavily campaigning - behind the scenes of course - for Geoff to be installed as the new NRL CEO. From there Geoff will eradicate much of the NRL hierarchy, firing referee's boss Tony Archer, firing the match review panel and firing Head of Football Todd Greenberg. Geoff will create and appoint himself to the new position of NRL Supreme Chancellor with John Hopoate his Sergeant At Arms.
We hope Toovey will then follow his career trajectory and overthrow the government and become dictator of Australia, decreeing that every sports team across every code become the Manly Sea Eagles.
As you can see, you are at the entry level of a growing enterprise that will soon be the greatest sports team/nation on earth.
Have a Good Day.