WARNING: The following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously.
It has been a turbulent week or two for CEO Justin Pascoe and Coach Jason Taylor at the West's Tigers. Robbie Farah has jettisoned the Tigers' Captaincy, Matthew Lodge was arrested for stalking and assault in New York, Martin Taupau's contract with the Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles was leaked by an inept British lawyer, Matt Ballin was signed on a two year deal and Curtis Sironen has been outed as a cheating wretch.
Club CEO Justin Pascoe called coach Jason Taylor to a one on one meeting to discuss the recent string of controversies and weirdness. We have a recording of that meeting.
Pascoe: Jason, thanks for coming. What the hell is going on out there? It's bedlam!
Taylor: Got me stumped. It's only just been a year as coach and I already regret taking this job.
Pascoe: How do you think I feel? I've been here two months! Two friggin' months!! I walked into this gig to find the asylum being run by the bloody nutters! It's pandemonium out there. Where are we on Farah?
Taylor: That little Napolean is burrowed in like a bloody tick. He keeps calling me nasty names and stuff too. Sam Ayoub even gave me the finger the other day. Someone keeps calling my mobile and hanging up and I know it's him. I returned the call and it went straight to his message bank!
Pascoe: Ha! No rocket scientist our Robbie. He relinquished the captaincy though, right?
Taylor: Yeah, but that's like throwing a floatie at the Titanic: pointless.
Pascoe: And now we've got Matt Ballin as hooker?
Taylor: Yeah, but that's beside the point. I'd run down to Kings Cross and pick up the dingiest, dirtiest $10 hooker as replacement for Farah.
Pascoe: Speaking of hookers, what the hell is Sironen thinking? Why would you tattoo a girlfriend on your arm? Not just her name: but an actual picture of her?! Then why would you cheat on her? Then how could you let your missus actually catch you cheating on her? And how do you let her take a photo of you and the sheila your cheating with and post it on YOUR Twtitter account? How the hell did his missus even have his Twitter password to begin with? What sort of idiots are we dealing with??
Taylor: Idiots like Matt Lodge stalking people and belting randoms. Jesus. Speaking of idiots how the hell did that lawyer send the Taupau contract to a Canadian film critic? That lawyer had ONE job: not to divulge the contract to anyone!!
Pascoe: Unbelievable. What's next? A Carney-style "Bubbler" incident? Game fixing? Drugs? Someone taking a dump on the field? I can't take much more! To hell with these stooges. I need a drink. A really big one. Just pour a bottle of whiskey straight into a bucket with some Coke.
Taylor: We can mix it with a Wooden Spoon. God knows we'll have one by the end of the season at this rate.