The Following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously. Seriously, don't take this seriously unless you are seriously gullible.
Carlton has come under plenty of fire from their members and fans ever since the dust settled after the AFL Trade Period finished. There is a general feeling that the Blues are tanking 2016 before a ball has even been bounced. What else could they be doing by giving away all of their players?
Stephen Silvagni in particular has copped a lot of flack, as List Manager, for organising the arrival of a gang of juveniles from his former job with the GWS Giants. Silvagni thought he would address Blues' members fears in a letter. We here at the Stitch Up have managed to get a copy of this letter.
Dear Members and Fans,
I understand how some of you must be feeling, having just witnessed the greatest fire sale since Die Hard 4. Yes, it's true, we offloaded some great talent. Chris Yarran, Tom Bell, Troy Menzel and Lachie Hendersen will all be missed. Their departure matched with the retirement of Chris Judd and Andrew Carrazzo has left us a little thin around the midfield...forwards, defensive backs, ruck, bench spots and emergency interchange.
This is not a problem.
To cover them I have managed, in one of the greatest Trading Coup's since the Brisbane Lions managed to snare Brendan Fevola, to secure four - that's right: FOUR - GWS Giants. Andrew Phillips, Jed Lamb, Lachie Plowman and Liam Sumner are set to become Blue Baggers in 2016!
I'll give you a moment for that massive news to sink in. I know those are some of the biggest names in the AFL at the moment.
We all know what a dominant force the Giants have been since their maiden year in 2012, so I thought to myself: "Stephen, why not poach their talent?"
Former Giant Adam Treloar caused a bidding war during the Trade Period this year. Eddie McGuire must have sacrificed 14 vestal virgins to some ancient Pagan God to secure his signature. Well, our four young fellas KNEW Treloar on a FIRST NAME BASIS and regularly SHOOK HIS HAND while they were at the Giants! Don't tell me some of Treloar's skill didn't rub off on them!! It's called the power of transference.
But that's not where the good news stops. No. During the Trade Period we managed to retain Matthew Kreuzer! That's right, our star ruckman who is held together with sticky tape and bubblegum. We literally couldn't give Kreuzer away. I don't like to think we're stuck with him, I'd like to think we're....
What else did we garner from the Trade Period I hear you ask. Draft Picks. Glorious Draft Picks. We have managed to secure picks 1, 8, 11, 19, 59 and 60. Do you know what that means? Youth! We will clearly not be burdened with the weight of age, experience and proven game time. No. Our great team will be brimming at the seems with youth, exuberance and inexperience. We will be dealing with teenagers, mood swings, pimples and awkwardness around girls.
I hope you, our treasured Member and Fan, are now filled with the blind optimism that fills me.
BLUE BAGGER FOR LIFE!!