Warning: The following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously or with any other medications.
It has been revealed that before Wests Tigers announced Matt Ballin as their latest signing, Ballin gave out of favour Tiger Robbie Farah a courtesy call. This is a transcript of that phone call.
Farah: You on the phizza with Fazza.
Ballin: Er, what? Is this Robbie? Robbie Farah?
Farah: Yeah, who wants to know?
Ballin: Oh good. Hey Robbie it's Matt Ballin here mate, how are you?
Farah: Who is it?
Ballin: Matt Ballin. From Manly? Hooker with the head gear.
Farah: Oh yeah right, what's happening?
Ballin: Look mate I thought I'd just give you a quick call to let you know I've signed a two year contract with the Tigers, it'll be announced any day now. I know you're going through some drama with them and me coming in as a hooker is....awkward. I figured I'd show you the respect of telling you man to man so you didn't find out from someone else.
Farah: Well you better watch you back then Matty. Cause the Tigers are MY club. I'm the hooker! Anyone who gets in my way is usually destroyed! I've ruined Tim Sheens career: where is he now?! Coaching some washed-up Super League outfit? Pfft. Mick Potter: where's he now? Don't cross me Matt. Just tear up that contract and piss off back to Manly.
Ballin: Look Robbie I kind of thought we could act like grown-ups here...
Farah: Well you thought wrong didn't you!? I will be hooker of the Tigers next year! I'm the best hooker in the comp! I'm still better than Cameron Smith!
Ballin: Ha ha. No you're not Robbie. Listen, I'm going to give you some free advice because I went through something similar at Manly. I was pushed out after re-signing with the Sea Eagles this year. Did I carry on like an absolute peanut? No. I moved on and found a new gig. Pull your head in Robbie. If this is how you act no wonder people find you difficult.
Farah: No, you pull your head in! My head is in! I'll have Jason Taylor and Justin Pascoe fired for their insolence and then have them publicly tarred and feathered! Then I'm coming after you Matt!
Ballin: You know what? You are a jerk. Martin Taupau warned me not to call you. I'm glad I took this job just so I can watch you wallow away in the reserve grade. Enjoy your time in the NSW Cup you loser.
Farah: (clearly sobbing) I'm sorry Matt. I just don't understand why no one likes me. Why is everyone so mean to me?
Ballin: Because you act like a psychotic and strut around like you're king ding-aling. You are not Robbie! You are part of a team. You don't get to pick and choose your coaches, team mates or your club's CEO. You act like some sort of demented dictator.
Farah: (openly balling) I'm sorry. It's not my fault! It's all Sam Ayoub's fault. He keeps telling me I'm the best.
Ballin: You need help Robbie....(Ballin hangs up)