AFL 3 years ago

The Akermanis Approach to Coaching

  • The Akermanis Approach to Coaching

WARNING: The following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously or on an empty stomach. 

It has been revealed that Jason Akermanis has an interview lined up with the Essendon Bombers next week for a development role with the team. 

Some are worried if Akermanis is successful in getting this role it would open the door for other controversial AFL figures to make it onto teams coaching staff. Ben Cousins could be hired by Essendon in an official capacity. Given his encyclopedic drug knowledge Cousins could identify any given powder with a single sniff, 

Akermanis coaching acumen has been at play since 2013 when he took cellar-dwellers North Albury to the Ovens and Murray League Finals in a single year. 

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Here at the Stitch Up we have acquired Akermanis' notes on fitness, weights, football, psychology and recruitment. 

Fitness: Run you skirt! Run faster so I don't catch you myself and tear you to shreds!

Weights: Lift it you sissy! Just lift it!!

Football: Win!! I don't care how, just win!!

Psychology: What're you a poof? Wanna cry? Suck it up princess! Be a man!

Recruiting: I am available to play. Seriously. I'll give this coaching gig up in a heart beat. I can still play. Put me in. Please? I promise I won't call anyone a poof or bleach my hair or call anyone a nasty man or write any stupid news columns. Just let me play. 

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