WARNING: The following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously.
After an abysmal showing at the first Test at the Gabba and a crippling first day at the WACCA, Black Caps Captain Brendon McCullum called a press conference to discuss some inconsistencies he feels are occurring against the Aussies.
McCullum: Thank you everyone for coming. I just wanted to discuss some techniques and possible equipment tampering I feel are giving the Aussies a superior leg-up against us humble Black Caps.
Fox Sport: What are you saying here Brendon? Are you accusing the Aussies of ball tampering? Cheating?
McCullum: I didn't use that word, you did. I never said they're cheating. I wouldn't say they're cheating but they're definitely not not cheating, if you catch my drift.
Fox Sport: No, not really. You just used a double negative. does that mean you actually think the Aussies are cheating?
McCullum taps his nose and winks at the Fox Sport journalist.
Fairfax Media: What are you basing these wild accusations on?
McCullum: Just to reiterate, I'm not accusing anyone of anything. But hypothetically, if I were, I'd point out the size of Warner's bat. The thing is so bloody big and wide that Stevie Wonder could take a swipe at a faster bowler and still get a tickle on the willow.
Fairfax Media: Yes, the size of Warner's bat has been raised before but it falls within the realm of legal equipment.
McCullum: Ok then, sure, I accept that. But what's the bat actually made of? Willow or some sort of indestructible space-age alloy? Is it the stuff grafted to Wolverine's skeleton in X-Men? Adamantium? How else could he warp a brand new cherry in three balls?
ESPN: He just hit it really hard?
McCullum: Ok then, if that's the case can we introduce a rule so he doesn't hit the cherry so hard? Does he have to hit the stitches off the thing every time?
ESPN: Are you serious?
McCullum: And what about the Aussie bowlers? Now I'm not saying they're up to anything contrary to the spirit of the game, but how fast are they bowling the cherry at us bro?
Cricket.com: Between 145 km/h and 150km/h.
McCullum: I'm not even allowed to drive that fast on the highway and they're allowed to peg a ball at me at me that quick? Come on, that's ridiculous. How about we have a maximum bowling speed of around 120 km/h? Then it's a fair match and bowling depends on actual skill, not how fast you can throw it.
Cricket.com: Ummm...I think that sort of defeats the purpose of bowling Brendon.
McCullum: Well OK, this comes down to equipment fiddling again. Are the Aussies painting the cherry black? Scuffing the ball? Are they switching it for a smaller one? I don't know. All I know is I could barely see the thing when they were steaming in at me.
Triple M: Again, are you accusing the Aussies of ball tampering? What are you saying?
McCullum: No, no, not at all. I'm just saying if they're going to insist on bowling so fast, maybe they should bowl with a medicine ball or something. Just so we can see the thing in flight. Again, to even up the playing field.
The Triple M journalist stands to leave.
Triple M: Tell him he's dreaming!
The Australian contingent of journalists all break out laughing.