WARNING: the following is a Stitch Up and shouldn't be taken seriously.
After going through eight balls during the first three days of the WACA Test, including a brand new ball that didn't make it past three deliveries, Kookaburra launched an investigation into what is wrong with their recent crop of easily warped cherries. This statement was released by Managing Director Brett Elliot.
There has been a lot of scrutiny on our great big red balls in the past week. The WACA Test supposedly exposed our balls as small, weak, faulty and not quite filled with the right stuff. Some in the media even went so far as to accuse us here at Kookaburra Sports of producing busted balls.
I am proud to assure you today that our balls, the proud Kookaburra cricket ball, is not at fault.
Let's look at the WACA test. I don't think there is any wonder our balls got twisted and shrivelled. Between a pitch that looked as though it was made of bitumen and Dave Warner using a thinly veiled sledge-hammer as a bat there is no wonder our balls got easily bruised.
Add to that a top temperature of 39 degrees - balls expand in the heat - and Mitchell Starc bowling at 160km/h it is understandable that our balls may have frayed slightly. That sort of treatment is like putting our balls in a blender.
I'd like to see how YOU fare after YOUR balls are treated like that!
Maybe if we could all agree to treat our balls with a bit of respect. Because none of us would be here if it weren't for our balls in the first place!
But no. The Aussie cricket team demands on treating our balls like an amusement park! Don't they know that if you keep abusing your balls like that you'll go blind?
And now Cricket Australia wants pink balls! What's next?! BLUE BALLS?!
If you don't like our balls, then fine. We'll take our great big bat and our balls and piss off! What are you going to do otherwise? Play with Duke's balls? Please. We all know the English have no real balls! Pfft!