During the past two seasons the Queensland Reds seem to have been struck down by a seemingly endless string of bad luck. We here at the Stitch Up can finally reveal the source of the Reds bad luck. The Reds have in fact been the victims of a gypsy curse. We have tracked down Needya Taplowme, the gypsy Queen who placed the curse on the Reds.
Taplowme: I would like to state that I am, in fact, the person that cursed the Queensland Reds.
Stitch Up: Could you outline what your curse entails.
Taplowme: First and foremost, the Reds will be cursed with a string of key injuries. I put the infamous "step on a line, you break your spine" as well as the devious "step on a crack, you break your back" curses on the Reds. Of course this isn't a literal curse. No one''s back has been broken. But any time a Reds player steps on a line or crack they will injure themselves. Look at Kane Douglas, hasn't even played a game for the club, already out injured for the season. Eee-ha ha ha.
SU: Well that is just sinister.
Taplowme: That's not even the half of it.
SU: How else have you cursed the Reds?
Taplowme: With the age-old "like rats from a sinking ship" curse.
SU: And how does that work?
Taplowme: Any one with a shred of talent is forsaken to leave the Reds. James Horwill, Will Genia, Quade Cooper, Mike Harris, Dom Shipperley, Ben Tapuai, James O'Connnor, James Hanson, Lachie Turner: the list of talent to leave the Reds since I placed my curse is almost endless. Mwa ha ha ha!
SU: Pure evil.
Taplowme: Indeed. But I saved the most vile curse for last. This is an ancient curse that most gypsy Queens are afraid to use, because it unleashes a level of stupidity and incompetence not seen since the George W. Bush administration.
SU: You don't mean....
Taplowme: Yes! The Reds are cursed to be burdened with Richard Graham as head coach and Queensland Rugby CEO Jim Carmichael until the Melbourne Rebels win their first Super Rugby title.
SU: That's beyond evil you twisted witch. If this were any other time you'd be burned at the stake, stoned to death or thrown in a lake to see if you float. Is there no end to your dark magic?
Taplowme: Careful how you speak to me sir, or I'll turn your goolies into pineapple's.
SU: (gasps) Right you are. The Reds deserve every moment of these gruesome curses. Out of curiosity though, why curse the Reds to begin with?
Taplowme: Because I had a $5 bet on the Reds to beat the Crusaders in the 2013 Qualifying Finals, and they lost!
SU: Geez, I'd hate to know what you would have done if it were a $20 bet....