AFL 3 years ago

Damien Hardwick speaks with Dustin Martin

  • Damien Hardwick speaks with Dustin Martin
  • Damien Hardwick speaks with Dustin Martin

Following Dustin Martin's outlandish behavior toward a Channel 7 producer at the Mr. Miyagi Japanese restaurant, Tigers coach Damien Hardwick summoned Martin to his office for a chat. 

Hardwick: Dusty, thanks for coming in for a chat mate. 

Martin: No worries. What's this about? 

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Hardwick: Really? It's about you going berko the other night and threatening a Channel 7 producer with a pair of chopsticks. 

Martin: Oh, yeah right. Well can we hurry this up? Jack Riewoldt just fuelled up the whipper snipper: it's time for my hair cut again. 

Hardwick: Forget that for a minute, will ya? I want to hear your account of what happened. 

Martin: Really?

Hardwick: Of course mate. There's two sides to every story and I haven't heard yours yet. 

Martin: Well a mate of mine and I were hitting the turps pretty heavy. We were having a yarn at the bar when this bird comes up to us and starts on crackin' a darkie deluxe. 

Hardwick: Ok. Then what happened. 

Martin: I told her to rack off, which seemed to rub her the wrong way. Cause then she started saying she was going to ring the club and dob on me. 

Hardwick: And how did that make you feel Dusty?

Martin: Pissed off! That's when I told her I'd stab her in the face with the chopsticks if she didn't quiet down a bit. 

Hardwick: Ok, now why did you say that Dustin?

Martin: Because chopsticks were the first thing I saw. I'm sure this whole mess would have played out a lot differently if the first thing I saw was a teddy bear. Headlines would have read "Dusty the Softy: Gives Channel 7 Producer Teddy Bear". 

Hardwick: A bit off topic there Dusty. What else could you have done instead of threaten to stab her with chopsticks?

Martin: Umm....threaten to stab her with a knife or fork? Proper eating utensils? 

Hardwick: Nooooo......

Martin: Ummm......not threaten to stab her with chopsticks?

Hardwick: That a boy. We may have taken the scenic route but we got there in the end. Good lad. So do you understand why you had to apologise? Do you understand whose fault this was?

Martin: I sure do. The bloody Japanese. If they ate their food properly, with a knife and fork, I would have never threatened to stab anyone with chopsticks.

Hardwick: No Dustin. No. Don't say that ever again. I think you're missing the point. Let's try again. 

Martin: Nah. Anyway, I guess it was all for the best. 

Hardwick: What? How do you figure that?

Martin: Well I was on my way to meet Jake King and Toby Mitchell, we were going to get pissed and bury a body together. If I didn't get in strife at the restaurant I might have got in worse trouble. 

Hardwick: Well, all's well that end's well I guess...wait...what did you just say....?

Martin: (getting up to leave) Hey Jack! You got the whipper snipper ready mate?! Time for me haircut!!

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